Well, I obviously haven't blogged in a very very long time...but I might start back up. We recently were devastated by a very complicated miscarriage. We would not have been so open about this heartache however, we had already shared our joyful news so we felt we had to share our heartache as well. What we all try to portray to the world is happiness and rainbows...I mean all those people who talk about how every detail in their life right now seems to be going wrong, right down to agonizing pain from their most recent hangnail tend to get on all of our nerves. But life isn't always happiness and rainbows. Heartache is real. So I will put great effort into not being one of those "my hangnail really hurts" type of people but be transparent with our happiness and our heartache. To be honest, once we got back I was able to say the things I needed to say and to truly believe them as well. But I had held God at an arms length for about a week and a half. I read verses in my Bible but didn't sit down and have true meaningful time with my creator. But before I get into that true meaningful time, let me share a few things. I had told Brandon that I knew in my heart that this baby was a boy. he felt the same way and as I shared that information with those closest to us it seemed to be unanimous. I then told Brandon that I kept thinking of the baby as "Baby Daniel." Now Daniel was never one of our names that we have thought for a boy before. Maybe a middle name but nothing more. So I asked Brandon if it would be alright if we named him Daniel or if he thought that was weird to name a baby that was only ours for 11 weeks and 4 days? He was ok with naming him Daniel and assured me that he didn't think it was weird but a good idea. I was encouraged by so many other moms of angel babies to name this baby, this life cut short. So until now, only few know if "Daniel." I put no thought into this name...just felt it was right. But as many know, putting great thought into our children's names is kind of my bread and butter! Torah Kate...the Torah is the first 5 books of the Bible or also the Jewish Bible, Kate is a shortened version of my middle name Kathleen. Sola Grace...one of the 4 "solas" that Martin Luther was able to sort of found the christian faith on (in latin) Sola Scriptura (scripture alone), Sola Fide (faith alone), Sola Cristos (Christ alone), and Sola Gratia (grace alone). So Sola Grace means Grace alone.
In December Brandons stepbrother Wes died unexpectedly. Brandons step-mom we know is dying of cancer and only has a short time left. This has been a hard 3 or so months. Before we left I had told Brandon, "They say that death tends to come in threes. Wes, now Susan is dying, I'm nervous that the baby might be the third." He tried to brush it under the table and tell me that everything was going to be fine and I shouldn't worry about that. But a mother knows when something is wrong with their babies. So that was kind of a vision I had. Then when on vacation, the night before I started spotting I had a dream that I (my apologies) went to the bathroom and wiped and there was blood. The next day I started spotting and continued for 2 days until the actual miscarrying took place.
So a vision and a dream.
So...back to this meaningful time with my creator. I decided to study the book of Daniel, it seemed fitting. You know how you read something in your Bible, or anything for that matter, and if its been a few years you basically forget all you read. Well I clearly hadn't read the book of Daniel in probably 2 or 3 years basically only remembering the highlights...like the lions den, 7 times hotter in the furnace, etc. As I read Daniel 1:17 "And Daniel could understand visions and dreams of all kinds." It hit me...I had a vision and a dream!!! God was giving me comfort in knowing that yes this baby was a boy and the name we chose was perfect and meaningful!!!!!!!!! DANIEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Other things of God providing comfort and things that would seem to be coincidence to some but God using the Holy Spirit to speak to us and provide comfort...like the fact that the night we got back and were doing devotions with the girls in Torahs room, where we left off and didn't realize it until we opened up her Bible...Daniel!!! A friend sending a card sharing their heartache and loss of a baby...that baby that she "named in her heart"...Daniel!!!!!!! And just now over the phone Brandon was telling me another Daniel moment he just had...but that will be another blog entirely!!! God is awesome! Matthew 5:4"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." This verse has a whole new meaning to me. God's comfort is like no other and when I stopped holding him at arms length he was able to give me the comfort I needed!
We have been overwhelmed by the love and support given to us through Facebook messages, cards, hugs, meals, flowers, prayers, etc! Thank you to all who have been a part of that! We have also been so surprised at how many people have shared their heartaches of their angel babies as well. I think we have been so supported partly because others go through this silently. Most people don't have their husbands preach a message on parenting and then share with a congregation that they are expecting and then a few weeks have to share with that same congregation about the worst day of their lives and that the baby they were so excited about is now in heaven. So for all who have had this "silent heartache"...I'm so sorry for your loss and I honestly have prayed for you!
Matthew 5:4 "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."