Monday, April 1, 2013


Well, I obviously haven't blogged in a very very long time...but I might start back up. We recently were devastated by a very complicated miscarriage. We would not have been so open about this heartache however, we had already shared our joyful news so we felt we had to share our heartache as well. What we all try to portray to the world is happiness and rainbows...I mean all those people who talk about how every detail in their life right now seems to be going wrong, right down to agonizing pain from their most recent hangnail tend to get on all of our nerves. But life isn't always happiness and rainbows. Heartache is real. So I will put great effort into not being one of those "my hangnail really hurts" type of people but be transparent with our happiness and our heartache. To be honest, once we got back I was able to say the things I needed to say and to truly believe them as well. But I had held God at an arms length for about a week and a half. I read verses in my Bible but didn't sit down and have true meaningful time with my creator. But before I get into that true meaningful time, let me share a few things. I had told Brandon that I knew in my heart that this baby was a boy. he felt the same way and as I shared that information with those closest to us it seemed to be unanimous. I then told Brandon that I kept thinking of the baby as "Baby Daniel." Now Daniel was never one of our names that we have thought for a boy before. Maybe a middle name but nothing more. So I asked Brandon if it would be alright if we named him Daniel or if he thought that was weird to name a baby that was only ours for 11 weeks and 4 days? He was ok with naming him Daniel and assured me that he didn't think it was weird but a good idea. I was encouraged by so many other moms of angel babies to name this baby, this life cut short. So until now, only few know if "Daniel." I put no thought into this name...just felt it was right. But as many know,  putting great thought into our children's names is kind of my bread and butter! Torah Kate...the Torah is the first 5 books of the Bible or also the Jewish Bible, Kate is a shortened version of my middle name Kathleen. Sola of the 4 "solas" that Martin Luther was able to sort of found the christian faith on (in latin) Sola Scriptura (scripture alone), Sola Fide (faith alone), Sola Cristos (Christ alone), and Sola Gratia (grace alone). So Sola Grace means Grace alone.

In December Brandons stepbrother Wes died unexpectedly. Brandons step-mom we know is dying of cancer and only has a short time left. This has been a hard 3 or so months. Before we left I had told Brandon, "They say that death tends to come in threes. Wes, now Susan is dying, I'm nervous that the baby might be the third." He tried to brush it under the table and tell me that everything was going to be fine and I shouldn't worry about that. But a mother knows when something is wrong with their babies. So that was kind of a vision I had. Then when on vacation, the night before I started spotting I had a dream that I (my apologies) went to the bathroom and wiped and there was blood. The next day I started spotting and continued for 2 days until the actual miscarrying took place.

So a vision and a dream.

So...back to this meaningful time with my creator. I decided to study the book of Daniel, it seemed fitting. You know how you read something in your Bible, or anything for that matter, and if its been a few years you basically forget all you read. Well I clearly hadn't read the book of Daniel in probably 2 or 3 years basically only remembering the the lions den, 7 times hotter in the furnace, etc. As I read Daniel 1:17 "And Daniel could understand visions and dreams of all kinds." It hit me...I had a vision and a dream!!! God was giving me comfort in knowing that yes this baby was a boy and the name we chose was perfect and meaningful!!!!!!!!! DANIEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Other things of God providing comfort and things that would seem to be coincidence to some but God using the Holy Spirit to speak to us and provide the fact that the night we got back and were doing devotions with the girls in Torahs room, where we left off and didn't realize it until we opened up her Bible...Daniel!!! A friend sending a card sharing their heartache and loss of a baby...that baby that she "named in her heart"...Daniel!!!!!!! And just now over the phone Brandon was telling me another Daniel moment he just had...but that will be another blog entirely!!! God is awesome! Matthew 5:4"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." This verse has a whole new meaning to me. God's comfort is like no other and when I stopped holding him at arms length he was able to give me the comfort I needed!

We have been overwhelmed by the love and support given to us through Facebook messages, cards, hugs, meals, flowers, prayers, etc! Thank you to all who have been a part of that! We have also been so  surprised at how many people have shared their heartaches of their angel babies as well. I think we have been so supported partly because others go through this silently. Most people don't have their husbands preach a message on parenting and then share with a congregation that they are expecting and then a few weeks have to share with that same congregation about the worst day of their lives and that the baby they were so excited about is now in heaven. So for all who have had this "silent heartache"...I'm so sorry for your loss and I honestly have prayed for you!

Matthew 5:4 "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."


Monday, November 21, 2011

Lots of talks about Jesus...

Little miss Torah has been talking a lot about Jesus her whole life, but especially the last few months. Whenever she is hurt she always says, "I want Jesus to make it better." Lately the conversations have really turned more spiritual where she is learning when she gets scared at night (she is always talking about how she doesn't want the devil in her room to scare her) to pray and ask Jesus to protect her,  to calm her down, and keep the devil away. Though she understands (as much as a 3 year old can) that Jesus lives inside our hearts, she has been wanting to see him. She asks, "Is Jesus done in Heaven? I want him to come back!" Which I feel like is such a wonderful reminder of how excited and hopeful I need to be about Jesus coming back! Though she understands Jesus living inside our hearts she has not had her "moment" yet if that makes sense. We have been praying for her to have that moment since before she was born and are hopeful that with the right direction and lots of spiritual conversations she will come to that decision on her own. Last night she came to youth group with me, which she doesn't very often, and as we were walking in she yelled to one of the youth leaders, "JESUS LIVES INSIDE OUR HEARTS!!!" She said it with such excitement and conviction, and he said, "Yes he does, that's right!" On the way home she then said, "What is Jesus going to be for Halloween?" I laughed and said, "I don't think Jesus will dress up, but if he did maybe an angel." Then she started talking about what Jesus will get for Christmas and I explained that 3 kings gave him 3 gifts. She then wanted the 3 kings to give her gifts too. But then she said, "what is Jesus going to give me for Christmas?" Which was an excellent way for me to explain that Jesus is the gift!!! We LOVE Christmas and the excitement of gift giving and receiving, decorating, yummy food, being with family, and all the excitement that the season provides. But sometimes the literal hustle and bustle of the season casts a shadow over the true gift. So I just wrote this to encourage anyone who might have a chance to read this to have spiritual conversations with your kids and to remember that Jesus is the gift!!!

Monday, November 7, 2011

time gone by

Wow, can't believe it has been so long since I posted a blog!!! I wasn't ever all that huge into this but didn't think I wouldn't even post about having our 2nd beautiful daughter!!! Sola Grace Holler was born on February 7. She is 9 months old today!!! She is absolutely awesome!!! She has been sweet easy going Sola from the beginning. She was so laid back that I thought she might be getting a little behind on her development but boy was I wrong. She took a while to start doing things, but boy she has changed in a hurry. She now pulls herself up to standing all the time on the couch, crawls everywhere, throws her hands up for "Soooo Big," dances when she hears music, says "mama" "baba" and starting to say "dada!" Torah has been an unbelievable big sister! I am so proud of who she is and who I can see her becoming. She not once has acted jealous, purposefully hurt her sister, or even regressed whatsoever which from what I have heard from other people are pretty common things for older siblings to display when their space is invaded. We decided to wait another year on preschool for her. So she will just do 1 year of preschool (which strangely enough that was normal when I was younger but now it seems like everyone does 2 and even 3 years of preschool). I am just not ready to share her. I told Brandon that this is literally the only time in her life she won't have responsibility and I want her to savor every second! Once she starts school she will always have commitments and responsibilities, which is a good thing. Transitioning into a family of 4 has really gone beautifully!!! I am so thankful to God for that! Recently Brandon started working on his Doctorate in Ministries. So in probably 4 to 5 years I will be married to Dr. Brandon Holler!!! The student ministry is going really well and we love our kids so much!!! I am really encouraged by the next generation! Started Christmas shopping quite sometime ago for Torah and then didn't do anything for a while so now it's time to start all that back up! She has been asking for a watch and a pogo stick since July and last week added a tool box to the list. And then she said (with hands up ), "And that's it!" My girls are precious and I love having 2 daughters, I'm hopeful that they will stay close when they get older! By close I mean, close to home!!!!!!! Though I hope their relationship will always remain close as well! Excited to start the holiday (or as we like to call it...HOLLERday) season and all that that entails. It's fun (and a bit exhausting) having small children this time of year! Well now it's time to take advantage of nap/movie time and tidy up the house and do some laundry! For the maybe 3 of you who will read this (haha) thanks! I do this for selfish reasons, it is therapeutic for me to do this and an easy way to preserve memories. Have a great day and I hope to start blogging much more!!!!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

The Calm Before the Storm

Well I am 37 weeks and 3 days along so far. Had an appointment this morning and I was 2 cm dilated! Very excited about the progress that's taking place. Torah has been delightful lately and I hope I don't live to regret that statement! The babies room is basically ready, need to get new blinds and put up an E-I-E-I-O wall cling and that's it. Now I just need to finish getting the rest of my house deepcleaned one last time before the baby comes...that's all I have the energy for...if that! A friend of mine had a diapers and wipes shower for me this past weekend and I ended up getting 1,737 diapers!!!!!!!!!! Can you even believe that!?! Now I am trying to get them put away and organized (somewhere?) and get them out of my garage. And I got tons and tons of wipes too! It was such a fun idea and that same friend is expecting soon so it will be her turn sometime soon as well to get lots of diapers!

Torah will be 3 one week from today. So I can't go into labor before then!!! Anytime after that is fine though! I'm so looking forward to meeting this new little blessing and holding with my arms and not my ribs! So excited for what God has in store for us and what he has in store for this sweet child. I hope and pray that the baby will come to know him in a personal way at an early age and that it's older sister would be the type of example my older siblings were to me. I pray that as a toddler I have patience to deal with them as they are, as an elementary age child God will protect their innocence and not hear or see or experience things inappropriate for that age,, as a tween they don't get too snotty, as a teen they choose to lead using the Lord's path, as a college student they find their soulmate and both of them love Jesus more than they love eachother, and as an adult they are my friend. And those are just my main prayers, I have many more detailed ones as well!!!

I can't wait to teach and be taught by my little sweeties as we grow in number and stature together as a family.
I am very excited at what the next stage brings and ready for the challenge of it! If I depend on myself i am weak, but with God I am so much stronger! (that is one of the main points we discussed last night in Bible study)

Excited for a miracle,

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Jesus is the Son & Moon

Hello all! This week Brandon was off work which means that this Sunday we were able to visit another church. We decided we would see what Emmanuel was like. We got a paper back from Torah's class saying that they learned that Jesus was God's son today. So just now when we were putting her to bed we were talking about the day and what all we did and learned. I said, "and we learned that Jesus is God's son." To which Torah replied, "Ya, and Jesus is the moon and the stars!" :) We clearly haven't talked much about the differences in the words son and sun!!! It was so sweet and innocent! Also she has been learning how old people are lately but she phrases it as, "What"s your numma (number)?" She is learning that Mommy's "numma" is 25 and Daddy's "numma" is 32. It's these adorable little things that I hope and pray I never forget!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How will I ever keep up on the memories that 2 children will bring?!? :)

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Potty Training...piece of cake!!!

Well I have tried potty training 2 times before with 2 failed attempts...everyone said that she will do it when she is ready. Well, that was the exact truth!!! A week before Thanksgiving she literally was potty trained overnight!!! She wears big girl panties all the time and has had 0 accidents!!! We still do a diaper at naptime and bedtime only so she can't manipulate us and say she has to go potty to put off going to bed. But she is doing awesome!!! Now I know for future children to just not bother until they are totally ready!!! SO EASY!!!

We just this week went to the Indianapolis Childrens Museum with Brandon's Grandma Rheba and had a wonderful time! They had a Barbie catwalk where little girls could go back stage and get dressed up and then walk the catwalk with cameras flashing and everything, she LOVED it!!!

As far as baby Holler #2 goes I am now 30 weeks pregnant tomorrow and feeling pretty good. Aside from the regular discomfort of pregnancy like back and foot pain. We still have been lucky enough to not accidentally find out the sex of the baby...any guesses? I just don't know, I will honestly be surprised either way!!! I did however fall down the stairs 2 days ago. Thankfully Brandon is home on vacation this week. He heard it and was there before I was able to look up. I was carrying a small load of laundry down the steps and before I knew it I was falling down the steps. Scared me to death! I just cried and cried, well sobbed and sobbed more like it! I didn't do anything but lay on the couch and feel the baby move the rest of the day! One good thing that came frm that...Brandon said he would do all the laundry until the baby is born!!! Lets hope that is for real!!! He did the load that I was bringing down and it is currelty sitting in the dryer. :) 10 more weeks until the Hollers are a family of 4!!! Can't wait!!!

Saturday, November 13, 2010

My little Bible loving princess!

We recently realized that Torah is completely old enough to understand and do some form of simply devotions each day. We wanted to make sure she was getting the Biblical teaching and influence that we wanted her to. At the Chapel, as far as I know, she is still just basically in a nursery and no real lessons are taught at this age. But we thought she was ready for the challenge. She has always loved reading her little kiddie Bible of a few child friendly Bible stories but Brandon (and I) wanted  to go a little deeper now. So we wet to family Christian bookstore and found the perfect "next step" in Torahs spiritual journey. It's a childrens Bible that comes with DVDs to watch as well. So we read a Bible story like Adam and Eve or Noah and the ark and then watch a DVD about it. She LOVES it! She calls it "Jesus TV." So cute! Our only complaint thus far is that we realized it completely skipped over Exodus and Joshua which of all things to include...that is like the meat and potatoes of the Old Testament. But I think there are several other DVDs we can purchase.

She also is such a princess! She LOVES anything princess and literally will act out scenes already! And she is very theatrical about it! Yesterday she was in my bathroom playing while I was getting ready and she grabbed a handheld mirror and looked at it and said, "SHOW ME THE BEAST!!!" Which is from Beauty and the Beast...too funny! But then she said, "SHOW ME THE MOMMY!" Not sure how she got that comparison...though she is used to seeing me in the mornings so it does make sense. This morning she was doing the whole show me the beast thing with the mirror and said, "SHOW ME THE BLAKEY!" "SHOW ME THE GRANT!" Those guys are some of her was pretty cute!